


Aged Wine

by Jazzy_Kandra



Category: Cosmere - Brandon Sanderson, Mistborn - Brandon Sanderson, SANDERSON Brandon - Works, Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 18:37:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12990111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jazzy_Kandra/pseuds/Jazzy_Kandra
Summary: On Roshar, Hoid and one of his least favorite people have a surprisingly pleasant conversation…that is, one where neither tried to kill the other.AU as of Oathbringer; part of the Mistshot series.





	Aged Wine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sosei](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=sosei).



On rare days, even Hoid got shocked, but that feeling had quickly faded, leaving him with a vast deposit of amusement instead. Kelsier had come to Roshar, and as usual, he wore that silly eyepatch over his spike and a thigh-length long coat which only would’ve worked if he were in the Alethi military. More “amazing” than his foolish sense of style, however, the bastard had  _willingly_ chosen to speak with him.

Unlike the Alethi, Kelsier didn’t realize that no one willingly chose to speak with the King’s Wit. It was going as well as one could expect. After all, the hate was mutual.

His amusement was beginning to fade, however.

“You’re just crazy, like me.” The blond shot Hoid a middle finger. Always so downright rude, that idiot.

For once, Kelsier was right.

Hoid’s insanity, however, was by choice, not  _birth_. A beautiful wine, aged for thousands of year, that boy’s insanity was nothing but a cheap-ass wine in comparison.

Three hundred and counting. So very laughable.

"Yes,” Hoid agreed, a sly and clever smile spreading across his  _extremely_ handsome features, thank you very much, “but yours is worth only a penny compared to mine, the king pays me quite well. Yours is a mere knock off of my grandiosity.”

“Last but not least, I chose it, unlike you,” Hoid quipped, lifting a finger.

Oh, it was such  _fun,_  mocking this bastard. Almost as fun as winding up a whole party of nobles. Though Kelsier would probably end said fun by talking about murdering him in some hideous and painful way, again. For some reason, whenever they had the unfortunate opportunity to run into each other, the conversations always ended up being about Hoid’s untimely death.

“If ever Saze drops the Shards,” Kelsier said, “you should pick up Ruin, I’ve heard it’s the perfect Shard for madmen.”

“ _Bother,”_ Hoid said, tilting his head, “that was almost intelligent. Perhaps he’s only as dumb as an ugly-crab-lizard-thing, not crem.”

What a beautiful insult to say accidentally on purpose.

Kelsier glared.

“I’ll begin with the kidneys.”

Damn, it was murder time. Inwardly, Hoid sniffed in disappointment. Kelsier still did not understand that part of the fun of being insane was saying whatever the hell you wanted.

“I was mistaken,” said Hoid, pointedly, “you’re still crem.”

“Slice them out with Vin’s knife,” the bastard said, ignoring Hoid’s words. Kelsier’s hand landed on one of those glass knives he still left tied to his belt.

Personal.

“Don’t forget to feed me aluminum first.”

“Slipped it into the drink.”

Kelsier really thought that he would drink  _anything_  he gave him? The bastard  _was_ as much of a fool as Frost’s friends in the Seventeenth Shard.

Hoid cocked an eyebrow in reply.

“Which Adanna-” was that the Nalthan girl or the one from Roshar? Sometimes those names sounded so alike “-would’ve put in it.”  
  
“So much like Ruin, explaining your plans…”

The man flinched. It was a little more below the belt than Hoid preferred, but it was  _worth_ it. Alright, fine, he wasn’t one to mess a jab if an idiot left themselves open like that.

Insults didn’t  _physically_ hurt anyone.

“Sadly,” Kelsier said, “they’re not.”

Damn, how very disappointing.

“Saze doesn’t want you dead.” Kelsier shrugged.

He was listening to Harmony again?

_Or just working with him._

Hoid could never quite figure out if they were working together or not. But if he didn’t know, they probably didn’t either.

Harmony had such poor choices in friends.

“So, not here to kill  _me_ , just to pester?” he felt a bit amused by that idea, Kelsier might have learned how to be a little  _better_ at insanity after all. “Or just on Roshar for vacation? Perhaps retirement? The cosmere could do with one less madman.”

“I don’t have bad Breath.”

Said Ardent wasn’t here to hear that at the moment, how disappointing.

“Then?”

“It’s a secret.”

Of course.

“To everyone.”

The bastard smirked as if what he had said was somehow clever. (1)

“Even you?” Hoid asked.

Kelsier sighed, exaggerated. “Why in Damnation did I chose to seek you out again?”

“It’s your afterlife,” Hoid said. The look he received was worth a thousand coins. “Perhaps it was merely so I could demonstration, once more, that I am, indeed, far more handsome and clever than you.”

“I’m the narcissist.”

That last word was Selish.

“Or psychopath.”

Kelsier frowned.

“A what?”

It hadn’t translated. Excellent. Hoid grinned.

“Either way,” Kelsier began; he lifted his eyebrows. It was a very Scadrian gesture. “Demoux and his friends are close.” (2)

“Oh,  _that’s_  all,” he said. "How pleasant! Do they reek as much as you do?"

At this Kelsier rolled his eye. “I’m sure you like running into them as much as I do.”

“If the bastards ever recognize me,” Hoid said, they probably would, but he had too many plans in place to let that bother him. Shallan, Dalinar, they all thought he was helping them, but really, he was only helping himself. “Curious, it isn’t in your nature to be helpful.”

“Their plan doesn’t align with mine.”

Well, that was obvious. Kelsier and his addiction to stupid secrets. The annoying bastard almost left, finally, but then…

“Wit,” a certain long-absent bridgeman said.

Kaladin was back. Good. The letter he’d snuck a look at was actually right.

Hoid smiled.

Kaladin grunted, no doubt wondering the same thing Kelsier had only moments before. Why had they made the decision to talk to him?

Because Hoid had all the Luck in the world at his fingertips.

The bridgeman was still growing with Stormlight from the gems in his pouch. This, apparently, caused Kelsier to lift a hand to his chin in thought. He didn’t know about  _them_  yet? Or perhaps he had just heard about the Knights on the worldhopping vine…

“I see…” said the bastard, his eyes sparkling in amusement as he tread off towards the training grounds, no doubt curious about the other bridgemen. Many were just squares, he would be disappointed. “That’s…”

Hoid didn’t bother to burn tin, he had all the information he wanted to know on that front. This was what Harmony wanted to know it seemed.

 _Good riddance_ , Hoid thought,  _I sincerely hope we need not speak for another hundred or so years._

“Who was that?” asked Kaladin, looking back at the bastard’s retreating back. If his gaze meant anything, the captain was probably worried that Kelsier was a security risk.

“Just a Lighteyed bastard,” he said. It was true, Kelsier  _had_  a hazel eye. He always wore an eyepatch over that Spike on other worlds; thus, for all Kaladin knew, it was true! The other eye might have been  _brown_  before he had lost it. “The son of a nobleman from out west, you may want to keep two eyes on him.” 

Three points to Hoid.

“I have a…problem.”

Kaladin looked like he had swallowed a mouthful of salt. Then again, he always looked like that.

“A ginger girl problem?” Hoid said, tilting his head.

“No.” Yes, but not today. And it was a different kind of problem than a romantic one. “Adolin…”

“A blond  _boy_ problem!”

“Why do I even bother?”

Another smile spread across Hoid’s exceptionally  _clever_  face. “Because I,” he said, “as the king’s Wit, have the most sound advice.”

The next grunt was a combination of grunt-and-moan. A melodious sound, indeed.

 

***

 

(1) Which Hoid has played. Yes, it’s cosmere-Zelda. Sel was in the Rennaissance-equivalent in Elantris. That was six-hundred years or so before SA, it’s likely they are quite a bit more advanced so…they invented video games. It’s like bunnies, only not as silly.

(2) The Seventhteenth Shard says, 'Hi, what's up, dudes?'.


End file.
